When
he was around age of 6, he went through an experience he would never
forget. He was a boy who had black hair, black eyes, and middle height. His
hobby was riding a kick board, and his talent was making robots at that time.
He liked making and building anything he thought of. He liked playing with his friends as his peers did. He especially liked to play with sand in the playgrounds building sand castles or other structures. Every day he would ride his kick board to the park and play with sad in the playground.
One normal day, he was riding his kick board as he always had done. When he was half way there to the park, the truck came near him and went over his foot. Somehow very strangely, his foot was not broken. The driver came out in shock but the kid said he was okay. However, the boy seemed very strange at that time. He was looking at his foot, and suddenly he was crying. He looked at the kick board and his face grimaced. He just seemed too scared of the kick board.
He came back to his home on his feet, not on his kick board. His mother knew something was wrong with his son and asked what happened. He answered what happened telling her all the situations. The mother was surprised at the fact that her son’s foot was intact. She took her son to the doctor and took pictures but she was just reassured by the pictures. The mother told her son to be careful of cars when riding kick boards.
He did not want to ride that kick board ever again. At nights, he dreamt about the cars keep going over his feet and the kick board rolling around with no rider on it.
He never managed to get over that trauma until he became 13. He tried riding kick board one more time and he felt uneasy at first but soon adjusted to the kick board. He now rides those kick boards and he forgot about the car that went over his foot. He now thinks he was lucky and that his foot is really hard when it comes to thinking again about the accident.
He liked making and building anything he thought of. He liked playing with his friends as his peers did. He especially liked to play with sand in the playgrounds building sand castles or other structures. Every day he would ride his kick board to the park and play with sad in the playground.
One normal day, he was riding his kick board as he always had done. When he was half way there to the park, the truck came near him and went over his foot. Somehow very strangely, his foot was not broken. The driver came out in shock but the kid said he was okay. However, the boy seemed very strange at that time. He was looking at his foot, and suddenly he was crying. He looked at the kick board and his face grimaced. He just seemed too scared of the kick board.
He came back to his home on his feet, not on his kick board. His mother knew something was wrong with his son and asked what happened. He answered what happened telling her all the situations. The mother was surprised at the fact that her son’s foot was intact. She took her son to the doctor and took pictures but she was just reassured by the pictures. The mother told her son to be careful of cars when riding kick boards.
He did not want to ride that kick board ever again. At nights, he dreamt about the cars keep going over his feet and the kick board rolling around with no rider on it.
He never managed to get over that trauma until he became 13. He tried riding kick board one more time and he felt uneasy at first but soon adjusted to the kick board. He now rides those kick boards and he forgot about the car that went over his foot. He now thinks he was lucky and that his foot is really hard when it comes to thinking again about the accident.
Interesting choice to try Third instead of second person. I think it works well, and you do a good job of embracing the childish nature of the boy.
답글삭제You write pretty solidly throughout, but there are glaring mistakes that you would normally catch in a second revision - such as your Mother being a man in the third last paragraph. You write well enough, but are still a little sloppy with concision and minor errors. Concision is what you have to focus on - which is to avoid repeating things or adding unnecessary words that the reader does not need.
All in all, pretty good.
Your story of being hit by a truck was interesting, but I think you need more pathos. You are writing about "trauma," so it is necessary and proper that you explain why such accident was traumatic to you: your psychology during the time and why it hit you so hard. Instead of unnecessary descriptions about your appearance and hobbies, you need to focus more on the relationship between the accident and you.
답글삭제In fact, you really need to get rid of unnecessary words and descriptions. In fact, from the second sentence to the seventh sentence are totally redundant-they are by no means related to your trauma. Why should the reader know that you had "black hairs and black eyes??" You might think that describing small details about you helps explain your inner self and psychology, but in fact, it doesn't. Also, you need to write more concisely. For example, in "Back then, I was a boy with black hair," you need not explain that you were a boy; the reader automatically knows that you are not a girl.
답글삭제